Perception Bias: Becoming More Self-Aware of How You Show Up in the World to Others
Think you're self-aware? Guess again—Here's how others really see you.
We all want to be successful, driven, and respected, but our actions don’t always align with how we intend to be seen. As high achievers, perfectionists, and people-pleasers, we push ourselves to meet high standards, striving for success with an intensity that’s both admirable and exhausting. This drive fuels our careers and ambitions, but there’s often a gap between how we think we’re showing up and how others actually perceive us—something known as perception bias.
While we may see ourselves as hardworking and determined, others might experience us as demanding, rigid, or emotionally draining. Without self-awareness, our perfectionism and relentless drive can unintentionally create a toxic atmosphere.
The good news? With a little self-reflection and a shift in perspective, we can close that gap and align our intentions with how we’re perceived. In this article, we’ll explore both the softer side of self-awareness and the harder truths about how our behaviors impact others—helping us build stronger relationships and personal growth along the way.
Perception Bias: How We See Ourselves vs. How Others See Us
Perception bias reveals a difficult truth: the way we perceive ourselves isn’t always how others experience us. It’s natural to want to be seen as successful, competent, and driven. But we all want to believe that we’re showing up as our best selves, especially when we’re motivated, goal-oriented, and committed to our work. But sometimes, our best efforts can miss the mark when it comes to how others see us.
In fact, research suggests that we often overestimate our strengths and downplay our weaknesses.
We Overestimate Our Positive Traits
Research shows that we tend to overestimate our positive traits—such as our leadership skills, communication abilities, and work ethic—while underestimating how our behaviors affect others. This disconnect can be particularly pronounced for high achievers, perfectionists, and those who prioritize making others happy.
For example, a person who prides themselves on their ability to drive results might focus solely on outcomes without considering the impact their methods have on others. They may not realize that their perfectionism, micromanagement, or emotional detachment is creating frustration among their colleagues. Meanwhile, someone who’s constantly trying to please others may overextend themselves to the point of burnout, leaving others feeling unsupported or disconnected.
We May Overlook How Our Behavior Affects Others
The problem is that when we’re too focused on our own goals, we might unintentionally overlook how our behaviors affect those around us. We might come across as overly intense, controlling, or even detached, without realizing it. That’s where perception bias comes in—the disconnect between our intentions and how others perceive our actions.
Ultimately, this gap between intention and perception can lead to stress, misunderstandings, and even burnout—both for the individual and for those around them.
The Dark Side of Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Perfectionists and people-pleasers, though often successful and well-meaning, can fall into toxic behavioral patterns. These include:
Micromanagement
The need to control every aspect of a project, often born from a desire to ensure everything is done "perfectly," can stifle creativity and frustrate colleagues who feel their autonomy is undermined.
Emotional Detachment
High achievers who focus intensely on results might suppress their emotions, leading them to come across as cold or indifferent, even if they deeply care about their team.
Inability to Accept Criticism
Perfectionists, in particular, may see negative feedback as a personal failure rather than a learning opportunity, which prevents them from growing and improving.
Overworking and Burnout
People-pleasers, driven by the desire to meet everyone’s expectations, may stretch themselves too thin, leading to exhaustion and a sense of resentment toward those they’re trying to please.
When these behaviors are unchecked, they can create a toxic environment. People around perfectionists and people-pleasers may feel undervalued, dismissed, or emotionally drained, even though the person with these traits may have no intention of causing harm.
The Impact on Leadership: Are You Actually a “Nightmare” to Work With?
For those in leadership positions, perception bias can be particularly damaging. A leader’s success is often measured by their ability to influence, motivate, and inspire others, not just by achieving results. When leaders become too focused on their personal goals or on perfectionism, they may inadvertently alienate their team members.
Biggest Employee Complaint: My Leader Lacks Emotional Intelligence
The Harvard Business Review notes that one of the biggest complaints employees have about their leaders is a lack of emotional intelligence. Leaders who fail to demonstrate empathy or self-awareness may come across as domineering or dismissive, even if they are well-intentioned. This perception can severely affect team morale and productivity. In fact, research by Gallup shows that disengaged employees cost organizations billions in lost productivity. This disengagement is often the result of leaders who fail to recognize the impact of their behaviors on their direct reports.
The Impact of Being a “Nightmare” Colleague
So, what happens when your team sees you as a “nightmare” to work with, even though you consider yourself a hardworking and driven leader? The answer is a loss of trust, communication breakdowns, and a decline in team performance—all of which can have a ripple effect throughout the organization.
Why High Achievers and Perfectionists Struggle with Self-Awareness
For high achievers, the drive to be the best often becomes central to their identity. Perfectionists, in particular, hold themselves to impossibly high standards and may find it hard to let go of control, especially when things don’t go as planned. This can lead to behaviors that others might view as difficult or demanding, even though they stem from a desire for success.
People-pleasers, on the other hand, are often so focused on making others happy that they neglect their own needs or overextend themselves, which can create feelings of resentment or burnout. Both of these types—whether it’s the driven perfectionist or the constantly accommodating people-pleaser—can struggle with understanding how their actions impact those around them. Without this awareness, they can inadvertently contribute to toxic dynamics, even if they don’t intend to.
The Power of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is the key to understanding how we show up in the world and how our actions affect those around us. By developing this skill, we can begin to close the perception gap and show up more authentically and with greater intention.
Engage in Honest Self-Reflection on Your Impact on Others
One of the first steps to improving self-awareness is to regularly reflect on how your actions impact others. This isn’t about self-criticism, but rather about being curious and open to the idea that others might experience you differently than you intend.
Take the time to reflect on how your actions impact those around you. Do your coworkers feel supported and valued, or do they feel like they’re being micromanaged? Do your friends and family feel seen and heard, or do they feel like they’re always secondary to your work or goals?
Practical Tip:
Take a few moments each day to reflect on your interactions.
Ask yourself, How did I make the other person feel? This can help you identify areas where you might need to shift your approach.
Ask for Feedback and Listen with Openness
It can be hard to truly see ourselves as others do, but feedback is a valuable tool for improving our self-awareness. Asking for honest, constructive feedback from trusted colleagues, friends, or family members can give us insights into how we are perceived and where we can improve. Feedback doesn’t just help us see where we’re succeeding—it also highlights areas where we can genuinely show up better.
Practical Tip:
Create opportunities for feedback in your personal and professional relationships and approach the feedback with an open heart. Rather than waiting for feedback to come to you, actively seek it out.
Ask specific questions framed thoughtfully, such as:
How can I communicate more effectively with you?
How can I better support you?
Are there ways I can communicate more clearly?
Make sure to receive the feedback from a practice of gratitude without defensiveness, focusing on growth.
Note: Make sure to receive the feedback from a place of gratitude without defensiveness, focusing on growth.
Practice Empathy and Emotional Intelligence
Empathy is about understanding and sharing the feelings of others. When we practice empathy, we can become more attuned to how people are experiencing us and our behaviors. This can help us adjust our actions in a way that creates a more positive and supportive environment.
Self-awareness is deeply tied to emotional intelligence (EQ). The more we understand our own emotions and how they influence our actions, the more we can empathize with others. Practicing empathy helps us connect on a deeper level, making us more aware of how we affect the people around us.
Practical Tip:
Make a conscious effort to listen actively and without judgment in conversations. When someone expresses their thoughts or concerns, really listen and try to understand where they’re coming from.
Focus not just on what is being said, but also on how the other person might be feeling.
Try to understand their perspective without judgment, and respond in a way that acknowledges their emotions. This can help you respond more thoughtfully and compassionately.
Let Go of Perfectionism and Embrace Growth
Perfectionism often leads to stress, anxiety, and unrealistic expectations—both for ourselves and others. It can create unnecessary stress and hinder our ability to connect with others. Shifting from a mindset of perfection to one of growth can help alleviate some of the pressure we place on ourselves and others. By focusing on progress rather than perfectionism, we can start to alleviate some of the pressure we place on ourselves and create more space for authenticity.
Practical Tip:
Start embracing the idea of “good enough” instead of perfect. Recognize that mistakes and imperfections are a natural part of growth, both for you and for others.
Challenge yourself to embrace mistakes as learning opportunities. Instead of focusing on perfection, aim for progress.
Celebrate small wins and allow room for imperfection in yourself and others.
Cultivate Vulnerability and Openness
Vulnerability is often self-perceived as a weakness, but in reality, it’s a strength. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we open the door to deeper connections and more authentic relationships. Showing others that we are human, imperfect, and open to growth can help them see us in a more positive light.
Allowing yourself to be open and honest about our struggles, will encourage others to do the same. This builds trust, creates a safe environment to share difficult but important information, and creates deeper connections.
Practical Tip:
Share your challenges and setbacks with those around you.
When we acknowledge our struggles, we create an environment where others feel comfortable doing the same, which fosters mutual respect and understanding.
The Benefits of Becoming More Self-Aware
Developing self-awareness isn’t just about fixing our flaws—it’s about becoming more attuned to how we show up in the world and creating more authentic, positive relationships. When we improve how we’re perceived—we build stronger, more authentic connections with others. By understanding how we show up in the world, we can make intentional changes that help us align more closely with our values and goals. This self-awareness can lead to improved relationships, better communication, and a healthier, more balanced life.
When we close the perception gap, we can become the leaders, colleagues, friends, and partners we truly want to be. We start to see ourselves more clearly, adjust our behaviors accordingly, and show up in ways that not only support our success but also the success of those around us.
Final Thoughts
Perception bias can create a gap between how we see ourselves and how others experience us. But by developing self-awareness, seeking feedback, practicing empathy, and embracing vulnerability, we can close the gap between our intentions and how others experience us. We begin to show up more authentically in the world.
This shift doesn’t just improve our professional success—it also enhances our personal relationships, fosters trust, and helps create a more positive, supportive environment in all aspects of our lives. The journey to self-awareness is ongoing, but it’s one that can lead to greater fulfillment and a more meaningful impact on the world around us.
Article References
The sources cited in the article:
Harvard Business Review (HBR). “How to Move from Self Awareness to Self Improvement.” HBR - Self Improvement
American Psychological Association (APA). “Why We Overestimate Our Competence." APA - We Overestimate Our Competence
Psychology Today (PT). “Dunning-Kruger Effect.” PT - Dunning Kruger Effect
Verywell Mind (VM). “How The Dunning-Kruger Effect Works.” VM - How The Dunning Kruger Effect Works
Harvard Business Review (HBR). “What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It).” HBR - What Self Awareness Really Is
Forbes. "How the Best Problem-Solvers Overcome Perception Bias." Forbes - Best Problem Solvers Overcome Perception Bias
Psychology Today (PT). "How to Become More Self-Aware and Why You Should.” PT - How to Become More Self Aware
Forbes. “Only 15% of People are Self Aware—Here’s How to Change It.” Forbes - Only 15% of People are Self Aware
