What to Do If Your Manager Is Projecting Their Trauma Onto You at Work
Disclaimer: This article is based on my experience as a health and wellness coach and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Please consult a licensed therapist for personalized support.
In the professional world, high achievers often find themselves working under managers who embody the same traits that drive their own success: perfectionism, relentless drive, and people-pleasing tendencies. While these behaviors can lead to extraordinary accomplishments, they often stem from unresolved trauma.
Chronic stress management and burnout recovery are essential for professionals working under high-pressure leadership. When employees constantly operate in survival mode—juggling excessive workloads, unrealistic deadlines, and emotionally demanding interactions—their nervous systems remain in a heightened state of stress. This prolonged exposure to workplace stressors can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, and even stress-related health issues. Recognizing the signs of burnout and implementing evidence-based strategies for stress regulation, boundary-setting, and resilience-building can empower individuals to maintain their well-being while navigating challenging professional environments.
When a leader's unexamined coping mechanisms begin to influence their management style, the effects can trickle down, creating a toxic work environment for their team. Understanding these dynamics and learning how to navigate them can help employees protect their mental health and productivity in the face of unrealistic expectations.
Recognizing the Signs of Trauma-Driven Management
Leaders who have not addressed their own past traumas may project their coping mechanisms onto their teams. Here are some common toxic behaviors to watch for:
Perfectionism and Unreasonable Standards
Micromanagement: Inability to trust employees to complete tasks independently.
Impossibly High Expectations: Expecting perfection in every deliverable without considering realistic constraints.
Over-Critical Feedback: Focusing solely on what’s wrong without acknowledging what’s right.
People-Pleasing Masked as Leadership
Overcommitment: Taking on too many projects and expecting the team to absorb the extra work.
Inconsistent Prioritization: Changing goals frequently to please higher-ups, creating chaos for the team.
Avoiding Difficult Conversations: Failing to address critical issues, leaving employees without clear guidance.
Emotional Projection and Personalization
Using “Should” Statements: Imposing personal values (e.g., “You should have thought of this” or “I would never let this happen”).
Comparative Judgments: Pitting employees against one another or saying, “If it were me, I would have done it differently.”
Emotional Outbursts: Displaying frustration, disappointment, or anger in ways that feel personal to employees.
Control and Fear-Based Management
Fear of Failure: Overreacting to mistakes, creating a culture of blame.
Workplace Surveillance: Excessive monitoring of employee performance or hours.
Resisting Delegation: Hoarding tasks because of an inability to trust the team’s competency.
Why Managers Project Trauma
Managers who project their trauma often do so unconsciously. Their behaviors are shaped by past experiences where perfectionism, people-pleasing, or hyper-responsibility were necessary for survival or success. These coping mechanisms become ingrained, and they may genuinely believe their approach is effective or even benevolent.
However, when unexamined, these behaviors can:
Erode employee morale.
Increase stress and burnout.
Damage team cohesion and productivity.
How to Cope Realistically
While you may not be able to change your manager’s behavior, there are strategies you can use to protect yourself and maintain your well-being.
Understand That It’s Not About You
Recognize that your manager’s behaviors are a reflection of their unresolved issues, not your performance.
Avoid internalizing their criticism or unrealistic demands.
Reframe their comments as insights into their own values and fears rather than absolute truths.
Set Boundaries
Clarify Expectations: Ask for specific, measurable goals to avoid subjective judgments.
Push Back Tactfully: Use phrases like, “To meet this deadline, I’ll need to deprioritize X. Does that work for you?”
Say No When Necessary: Decline additional tasks if they exceed your capacity, framing it as a way to ensure quality work on your existing responsibilities.
Manage Up
Anticipate Their Needs: Proactively address concerns you know they’re likely to raise.
Frame Solutions Positively: Present your ideas as ways to help them achieve their goals more effectively.
Build Trust: Consistently deliver on promises to reduce their need to micromanage.
Protect Your Mental Health
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize sleep, exercise, and activities that help you decompress.
Seek Support: Talk to trusted colleagues, mentors, or a therapist about your experiences.
Use Stress-Reduction Techniques: Incorporate mindfulness, breathing exercises, or journaling into your daily routine.
Document Everything
Keep records of key conversations, expectations, and deliverables to protect yourself if conflicts arise.
Use email to confirm verbal agreements, creating a paper trail that clarifies responsibilities.
Know When to Escalate
Evaluate the Risks: Understand that HR’s primary role is to protect the company, not the employee.
Frame Your Concerns Strategically: Highlight how the manager’s behavior affects team performance and the company’s bottom line.
Seek Allies: If possible, involve other colleagues who share your concerns to present a unified perspective.
Assess Your Options
If the environment remains toxic despite your efforts:
Start Exploring Alternatives: Begin networking or searching for new opportunities.
Consider Temporary Solutions: Look for ways to minimize interaction with your manager, such as remote work arrangements.
Plan an Exit Strategy: Prioritize your long-term well-being over short-term loyalty to a toxic workplace.
Why It’s Worth Addressing
Coping with a manager who projects their trauma onto you isn’t just about surviving the workday. It’s about safeguarding your mental health and ensuring your career growth isn’t stifled by someone else’s unresolved issues. By taking proactive steps, you can maintain your sense of agency and avoid internalizing a toxic narrative.
Final Thoughts
Your manager’s trauma-informed behaviors may explain their actions, but they don’t excuse toxic leadership.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step in navigating a challenging dynamic. With the right strategies, you can protect your mental health, maintain your professionalism, and decide whether this role aligns with your long-term goals. Remember, success isn’t just about what you achieve—it’s also about how you feel while achieving it.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and is based on my expertise as a health and wellness coach specializing in stress management and burnout recovery. I am not a licensed therapist, psychologist, or medical professional. If you are experiencing significant mental health challenges or believe you may need professional mental health support, I encourage you to consult with a qualified therapist or healthcare provider.
Article References
The sources cited in the article:
CPTSD Foundation. "My Boss Triggers Me." CPTSD Foundation - My Boss Triggers Me
Power to Fly. “How to Deal with a Toxic Boss.” Power to Fly - How to Deal with a Toxic Boss
Forbes. “Leadership and Childhood Trauma:Tips for Building Drive and Motivation In the Face of Adversity.” Forbes - Trauma
People Managing People (PMP). "How Trauma Can Inform Leadership, Employee Performance." PMP - Trauma Leadership
Harvard Business Review (HBR). "Growth After Trauma.” HBR - Growth After Trauma
Harvard Business Review (HBR). “The Anxious Micromanager.” HBR - The Anxious Micromanager
Psychology Today (PT). “Healing Ancestral Trauma to Improve Workplace Dynamics.” PT - Healing Trauma Workplace Dynamics
PsychCentral (PC). “Main Signs of Childhood Trauma in Children and Adults.” PC - Main Signs of Childhood Trauma
Verywell Mind (VM). “7 Red Flags You’ve Got a Toxic Boss.” VM - 7 Red Flags You’ve Got a Toxic Boss
