Are You Too Resilient? When Your Strength Becomes a Liability
Resilience is often heralded as the ultimate virtue—a critical skill for navigating life’s challenges. We’re told to push through adversity, hustle harder, and "stay strong" no matter what comes our way. In a culture that glorifies grit and tenacity, resilience is marketed as the key to success and happiness. But what happens when resilience becomes a double-edged sword—when the ability to endure crosses into unhealthy tolerance?
There is a dark side of resilience. Many high achievers are professionals who have learned to tolerate extraordinary levels of stress. While this trait may have propelled them to career success, it often comes at a steep cost to their mental, emotional, and physical health. Let’s unpack how too much resilience can lead to burnout and why knowing when to stop enduring is just as critical as the ability to persevere.
The Roots of Over-Resilience
For many high achievers, the tendency to over-tolerate begins early in life. People who grow up in environments of chronic criticism, neglect, or trauma often develop resilience as a survival mechanism. They learn to suppress their own needs, push through pain, and strive for perfection to gain approval or maintain stability. These traits, while adaptive in difficult circumstances, can become maladaptive in adulthood.
When resilience is coupled with deeply ingrained beliefs like "I have to do it all" or "I’m only worthy if I achieve," it’s easy to see how it can spiral into unhealthy patterns. Instead of recognizing when enough is enough, these individuals keep enduring, pushing themselves harder and harder until they reach a breaking point.
The Costs of Enduring Too Much
Resilience can become problematic when it leads to the normalization of toxic environments, whether in relationships, workplaces, or personal habits. Here’s how this dynamic often plays out:
Burnout: Continuously pushing through high levels of stress without adequate recovery leads to chronic fatigue, emotional exhaustion, and physical breakdown.
Unhealthy Relationships: Over-tolerance can result in staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships because "things aren’t bad enough" to warrant leaving.
Overwork: In the workplace, the same grit that drives high performance can lead to accepting unreasonable workloads and neglecting boundaries.
Suppressed Needs: Chronic resilience often involves ignoring your own emotional and physical needs, which can manifest as chronic health issues or mental health struggles.
The Myth of “Hustling Harder”
The hustle culture message that "if you’re strong enough, you’ll make it" is deeply flawed. It implies that any failure is a result of personal weakness, not systemic issues or unrealistic demands. For those already accustomed to carrying excessive burdens, this narrative reinforces unhealthy behavior.
They don’t need more resilience; they need permission to stop tolerating the intolerable.
How to Balance Resilience with Self-Advocacy
If you identify as someone who over-tolerates, the key isn’t abandoning resilience altogether but learning to balance it with self-awareness and self-advocacy. Here are strategies to help:
Recognize Your Limits: Pay attention to the signs of burnout or chronic stress. Fatigue, irritability, and physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia are signals that you’re pushing too hard.
Reframe “Quitting”: Quitting or stepping back isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom. Know that leaving a toxic situation or setting boundaries is a sign of strength, not failure.
Challenge Old Beliefs: Reflect on the narratives that drive your over-resilience. Ask yourself, "What am I trying to prove? To whom?"
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a close friend. Resilience should never come at the cost of self-worth.
Seek Support: High achievers often feel they have to go it alone, but no one thrives in isolation. Whether through therapy, coaching, or trusted friends, find people who can help you navigate challenges without overburdening yourself.
Redefining Strength
True resilience isn’t about enduring everything life throws at you. It’s about discerning what’s worth enduring and what isn’t. It’s about knowing when to walk away, when to ask for help, and when to prioritize recovery over relentless striving.
If you’re someone who has always been told to "just be strong," take a moment to ask yourself: Is my resilience serving me, or is it holding me back? Strength isn’t just about persistence—it’s about making choices that protect your well-being and enable you to thrive in the long term.
Article References
The sources cited in the article:
Harvard Business Review (HBR). "The Dark Side of Resilience." HBR - The Dark Side of Resilience
Harvard Business Review (HBR). “Resilient Isn’t the Compliment You Think It Is.” HBR - Resilient Isn’t a Compliment
CNBC. "Harvard Psychologist: If You Use These 9 Phases Everyday You’re More Resilient Than Most." CNBC - Resilient Phrases
ScienceDirect. "When Resilience Becomes Undesirable— a Cautionary Tale .” ScienceDirect - When Resilience Is Undesirable
Psychology Today (PT). “Horrible But True: Early Abuse Can Create Strength.” PT - Early Abuse Can Create Strength
MIT Sloan. “Stop Telling Employees to Be Resilient.” MIT Sloan - Stop Telling Employees to Be Resilient
Inc. “Employees Really Hate It When You Talk About Resilience.” Inc - Employees Hate It When You Talk About Resilience
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